Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize