Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
