Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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