I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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