I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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