whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's blow job season.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
