Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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