Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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