the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
how can u be prego again
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
