She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
