Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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