Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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