Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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