Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
