I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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