On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize