my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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