i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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