Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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