i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I supernannyed him into submission
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
