Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
