i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
