I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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