This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
