Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize