Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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