Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
