when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
