I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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