i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I am available for nakedness
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