I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
