New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
