How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
