i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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