Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
