Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
