his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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