Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
