if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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