The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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