Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
