Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
