I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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