i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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