Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
