you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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