is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
