I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
