Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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