Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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