Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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