he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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