he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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