butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
