i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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