So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize