It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
