a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
