my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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